Sunday, September 30, 2012

From the Trenches

I write to you today from a dark cold place. The past week has caused me to reevaluate my whole life, and where it shall go. We are back in our home away from home at Children's of Alabama. James David had shunt revision #10 this week. Before this he was doing amazing. Making strides in his eating and social skills. (I've never seen the boy eat so much. I was so ecstatic!) Then, as it often does, everything changed seemingly over night. My happy go lucky and dare I say "normal" two year old turned a complete 180 degrees.
Wednesday, what we thought was a stomach virus turned into the most symptomatic shunt malfunction we've had so far. Surgery went well, but I could see the stress in his neurosurgeon's eyes really just not knowing what to do with the little boy he and his staff (my co-workers) have come to love. Nothing he tries seems to work, and its not his fault. James David's body just doesn't cooperate with his efforts.
Thursday, tiny man perked up and we went home! :)
Friday, 4 am brought more vomiting and lethargy... All morning was spent in the ER with tests run and doctors and nurses swarming. James David had them scared, and that made me terrified. All I could do was hold him. They finally got him stabilized and admitted. They still don't know whats wrong.
Saturday and Sunday, he has his good moments, but he won't take hardly anything PO (by mouth). He's fussy and he sleeps a lot, but he still manages to put a smile on everyone's face. I have finally given in to the fact that a g-tube will be best for him. We are hoping to get it placed tomorrow. Going from a full-time breastfeeding mom when all I could do was feed my son when he was born to having to rely on a machine to supply him with nutrition is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I grieve the thoughts of cooking dinner for me and my son or being able to treat him with snacks after school. No matter what I try to give him, he just looks at me and says "Mommy, no." and I don't understand this...
I'm worthless right now. I barely eat. I barely sleep. I just stare and cry (and creep on facebook). I've missed all my classes and have fallen way behind in my studies. I just cannot focus. I'm realizing now that Med School is impossible for me, no matter how badly I want it. I love the Brain and CNS so much! I'm so insanely passionate about it! Its amazing and complex and just miraculous. However, I cannot do medicine, and be James David's best mommy. It's not in the cards for me. I'm at my wit's end...