Things on my mind...

A few thoughts for the night...

Because I love Will Smith, and he speaks some serious truth.

James David watched this movie for the first time tonight, and he LOVED it. Now if I could get him to poop, my night would be complete :)

Normal? Yea, right...

Normal: adjective; conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

This was some of my notes from chemistry today:

I really despise how lonely I am. I'm friendly. I really am, but for some reason I must seem unapproachable. I have nothing to talk about with my peers. I haven't seen the latest movies or been to the social functions. My life is filled with bills and baby and doctors and responsibility. How can I talk about something I don't know? When my mind wanders past my daily tasks, I find it in foreign countries amongst the poverous, or down alleys and city streets. I don't aspire to see France or the extravagant places of the world, but instead the pits and scum. I find beauty in mere human life. I see it in the eyes of an 8 year old girl raising her five younger siblings, while her mother prostitutes to feed them. I see beauty in pure human life, and that's all I wish to continue to see.

Yep, I'm weird, abnormal, odd, queer, unusual, and whatever other synonym you can come up with. This writing was provoked by the thoughts coursing through my brain when people chose not to sit next to me in class. Why? I've always been different than my peers, and I've never really understood why. I did today. I've lived more. I have depth. I've seen things, experienced things that my classmates can't even fathom. I don't understand how to communicate with them, nor them with me. Shallow casual conversation just isn't in me. I can't change who I am, and I don't want to. I'm going to change the world one day (not arrogance, just fact). They aspire to be the biggest hit at the next frat party, and I aspire to provide clean water for Sub-Saharan countries.

The hardest part comes when I'm thinking about my future. School and the here and now, I can handle being a little lonely. But will I find love? How do you love a woman who has a disabled child, and wants to go to Med School, and then wants to travel the world and take care of poor people? I want someone who hurts for them like I do. Who is willing to chase the stars with me? If I decide to be a rich state-side neurosurgeon, or a Tanzanian orphanage director, or a Humanitarian aid worker, or whatever I do. Serious stuff, right? Yea... welcome to my mind :)

I'm weird, World. Period. I spend my days taking care of James David where my two main questions are did he eat today, and did he poop today? I like reading, and Will Smith, and Star Wars, and museums. My dream job is cutting at peoples brains in a third world country. I know I'm odd, but its what makes me me and I love me. :)

 

Single-mommydom

The newest decoration in my apartment.

Single-mommydom: The place in which all single mothers live. The one where you sacrifice all for your child. Where you cook and clean and bathe and play and read and tuck in 24/7. Where at the end of everyday your hair is always a mess and your clothes are stained and you smell slightly off. But despite all the adversity, you get to experience all the love and adventure that makes it all more than worth while :)
Today is James David's 2nd birthday! However, you would not have known it by the way today went. It did not start with a delicious chocolate chip pancake breakfast, but to a mom rushing out the door because she's running late, and trying to force her tiny man to drink his pediasure. There was no day to spend together. No hoorah at the zoo, or anything else spectacular in little boy world. Instead, little man went to school where he got to be the line leader all day! :) Mommy went to school, and then to work. I battled insane traffic and picked up a very tired little man (apparently little boys don't nap on their birthday). He slept on the way home. Then we opened up all his birthday toys! My living room has been transformed. We set up tents, and railroad tracks, and barns. My apartment has been turned into little boy world. After not eating dinner, (if you've been keeping track that comes to a big ole total of NOTHING that he's eaten today) we settled down to go "Night Night". I had it in my mind that I would tuck him in, and tell him all about how he came into the world. A special journey for a special little boy. How perfect God created him. However, after an hour of hysteria, and vomiting three times, I found myself curled up in a firetruck bed with my little man, his sleepy little face finally resting. Its moments like those that are my saving grace.
I realized in that moment, staring down at my son as I have so many nights since he was born, and felt nothing but unconditional love. I knew that although my day wasn't perfect, or as adventurous and fairytale as I would have wanted it to be, it was MINE. I know that one day James David will be proud of him mommy for following her dreams. One day I will give him something that will top all the chocolate chip pancakes and zoo trips he could imagine. So Happy Birthday James David. Mommy loves you more than you know.